Mouthpieces Read online

  MOUTHPIECES

  Eimear McBride

  For Éadaoin

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  The Adminicle Exists

  An Act of Violence

  The Eye Machine

  About the Author

  By the Same Author

  Copyright

  MOUTHPIECES

  The Adminicle Exists

  Bare stage. One female voice.

  VOICE:

  I saw you. I saw you. I got you by the shirt. I stopped you walking into the road.

  Blue skies.

  Greyish High Road

  WIDE

  Children playing on bikes.

  I held tight on. And on to you tight. You didn’t know the stops any more.

  Roaring at the driver you calamatised the bus.

  I pressed you to the pole. My foot entrapped your foot. There was no choice but stay.

  WAR MEMORIAL

  TFC

  CHEAP FLIGHTS TO ANTIGUA

  SEND MONEY CHEAP HERE

  TESCO

  TESCO

  TESCO

  LONDON UNDERGROUND

  STOP

  The state of that – cigarette burning on a pile of sick.

  I pulled you by the shirt. You did not object.

  Down into the intestines. The escalator descended. You stood notably upright like demonstrating sane, but I kept your cuff between my finger and thumb. I watched you on the platform. I watched you by the train.

  I let you get onto it first. Indignantly you eschewed a seat. I did not press. The doors juddered shut and the windows soon went black.

  I have you. I have you. Across bumps and irregular speed.

  You stumbled with momentum, despite anticipating stops. You grabbed on to me. I tried to talk you down from the shouts, but you only half-heeded my plea.

  [small voice, like inner thought] I hate how you scream like a child. My palms itch red to slap you quiet.

  I should not do that though and, at least, know not to do.

  But all the Londoners made out not to see, for which I blessed their maligned courtesy and restraint. Even more as I pushed you – at Highbury and Islington – away. You need though, you need it. No don’t, I say, I don’t want to kiss you now. Here. [small voice, like inner thought] Ever again.

  ‘I NEED TO. I NEED TO. YOU KNOW IT CALMS ME DOWN.’

  Stop shouting. [small voice, like inner thought]

  Please stop shouting.

  Alright. Anything to

  Slither. Your fucking tongue. Getting itself right into my mouth so you will feel better and I will feel?

  [small voice, like inner thought] I will be?

  But this is happening to you, not me. My body the locator of your self-discipline, it seems.

  Even so though – enough!

  EVERYTHING STOPS. And that is the Tube, not me.

  Get off now. This is our stop. It takes all my ingenuity to catch and drag you off while you, like a UFO, boggle at the platform then test the ground beneath your feet.

  Up the stairs, the many stairs. We went to the outside once more.

  Lively, all this life around. Consumers’ pretty things. If we had any money, if we had anything, we’d live like this too.

  Ha ha ha, you shout:

  ‘Shoppers! What wonders you possess!

  What credit cards! What overdrafts!’

  I see what you see, and my pockets are as light, but the salvage remains on me.

  So.

  Never mind all this.

  Listen.

  No listen.

  I mean it.

  Follow me. Follow me.

  I didn’t even know which road I went to. But I know it now.

  Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. Let us in.

  Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

  And there is respite.

  Someone opens the door. She says ‘Can I help?’

  I say I have nowhere else to go and she says

  ‘Yes. Come in. Come on in. If he’d like to take a seat just there.’

  Sit down.

  Sit.

  Please just sit.

  Please just sit while I explain what’s happened.

  Just sit.

  No sit.

  Please just fucking sit.

  I won’t be a minute, okay?

  I gave it up. You up to them. All the details.

  I had no shame. Your lost articulation. Your lost rag. I was sympathetic. Enlightening. I was not angry. I was a benevolent master of your domain and, even when they pressed for everything, never said I feared you’d kill me in my sleep.

  ‘So,’ they said, with smiles, ‘why don’t you come through?’

  ‘She’ll wait here,’ they said ‘You’ll wait for him, won’t you?’

  I’ll be right here, I said, I’ll wait. Go with them.

  I’ll see you later. Everything will be fine.

  My own lies twist but they can’t listen.

  [small voice, like inner thought] Jesus Christ lock him away.

  You agreed then, drawing to your height.

  Showing your dignity, as you imagined it. You would provide information, even seek their advice. And they took you out.

  [small voice, like inner thought] THANK GOD.

  But also, not. And also … not very far.

  The vigil then. I am well-behaved. I smile when smiled at. I draw no attention to myself.

  I just wait here now, as expected. I am a very good citizen. I am cognisant of what they’re doing for you so, by extension, me. I make no attempt to shirk. I shoulder all responsibility.

  And I don’t just [small voice, like inner thought] want to run.

  White crossed light.

  Your voice somewhere.

  Magazines to be read.

  Other side of the wall.

  Red squares and grey squares.

  Paper thin.

  In my seat.

  Is that you screaming?

  Tea?

  I hear.

  Thanks very much.

  Maddening, maddening in your distress.

  I dream of smoking.

  Help me HELP ME. Help me Help me.

  My kingdom for a cigarette.

  But.

  The door opens.

  The door closes.

  And then there are more.

  Rats in traps.

  Fish in nets.

  Heads in hands.

  Hands on faces.

  Irises dilated.

  Leading or led.

  ‘Tell me your name.’ Over and again.

  ‘Tell me your name.’

  ‘Tell me your name.’

  ‘I REALLY NEED A NAME FOR YOU … PLEASE.’

  And I am concealed behind their distress. I take pride in keeping my own to myself. My face wears pity even if feeling disgust. Pull yourselves together, I almost shout. But I do not. Of course, I don’t do that.

  And.

  The door opens.

  The door closes.

  And then there are more.

  The angry.

  The incapacitated.

  The full of shit.

  The too many drugs.

  The too much drink.

  The fatally confused.

  The terminally entitled.

  The poor.

  The lonely.

  The hungry.

  The sad.

  The fucked up on the street.

  The fucked up in the head.

  The hopeless.

  The helpless.

  The feckless.

  Myself.

  I am here as well.

  Then.

  An inner door opens. A man walks through.

  Your voice screaming somewhere, other s
ide of the wall. I listen with care. I separate your words out.

  ‘AM I CRAZY? AM I CRAZY? ARE YOU GOING TO LOCK ME UP?’

  But when he smiles at me, I smile back. You may expect me to smile. I will also be good-mannered. I will not shout or show distress. I’ll be pleasant for hours. I am built for this. I possess the stamina for shit. For a woman, I am very sturdily constituted – which is really just as well as this could happen again and again and again. To you. And me.

  The door opens.

  The door closes.

  And then there are more.

  A woman slaps her daughter.

  A man curses at his wife.

  A girl vomits on the floor.

  A girl wipes it up.

  A boy throws a magazine.

  A man slams his fist.

  A pile of people pile on him.

  I hardly jump. It’s only violence after all.

  And I hear you scream the other side of the wall.

  I hear you not scream the other side of the wall.

  I am very sick of your problems.

  I hope they will lock you up.

  I insist I hope they will let you out.

  Really, I hope they will let me out.

  I don’t know what to do.

  I’d like some different magazines.

  A sharp blow to the head.

  Some fucking family around to offer me a hand.

  I would like to be wasted.

  I would like

  I would

  like

  Who fucking cares what you’d like? You stupid FUCKING CHILD.

  A door opens.

  A door closes.

  And then there are more.

  I don’t want to look at these people. I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t want to be one of them.

  ‘Hey you! Hey you! Stop fucking watching me!’

  Hey yourself! What the fuck does it matter what I see? Just get back to whichever useless fuck-up you brought in and leave me alone OKAY?

  ‘Okay, sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.’

  Fuck you.

  ‘There now.’

  Don’t there me.

  ‘Just sit back down. How long have you been here?’

  Since the early morning.

  ‘Have you been told to wait?’

  It’s expected I will.

  ‘What have they said?’

  They haven’t said anything. I’ve been told nothing at all.

  ‘I’m sorry about that. I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘He’s doing much better.

  He’s calmed down a lot.

  We’re just getting him tidied back up.’

  Tidied up, why?

  ‘Stuff he did to his clothes … stuff he did to his head.’

  And now?

  ‘He’s fine.’

  Will he stay that way?

  ‘We’re hopeful but … we can’t promise anything.’

  No … of course not.

  ‘He’s lucky to have you.’

  He is.

  The door opens.

  The door closes.

  And then there is you.

  Less wild-eyed, saying I’m alright. Saying I’m much better. Saying everything will be fine.

  And they tell me you’ll need a lot of rest. They ask me to be responsible for ensuring you get it.

  ‘Now, you’ll make sure he gets that, won’t you?’

  I’ll handle everything.

  We smile at each other.

  They offer you to me.

  Hi, I say How’re you doing?

  You say, Sorry about earlier. Sorry for everything.

  I am very glad to see you calm but

  [small voice, like inner thought] I wonder if you’ll kill me tonight?

  And

  We take each other’s hands.

  I say Thank you very much.

  I sign the forms.

  I smile at the receptionist.

  I make apologetic eyes to the person I cursed at.

  Then I find our way out onto Marshall Street.

  I ask how you feel and you say you are exhausted.

  Well, I suggest, I’ve about three quid left, do you want to get something to eat?

  Black.

  An Act of Violence

  Bare stage. One figure ‘E’, female. ‘A’ is a voice, officious,

  loud, coming from all angles.

  A: It was an act of violence.

  E: It was not.

  A: A wound was inflicted?

  E: More than one.

  A: Scratches?

  E: Several.

  A: Slices?

  E: The same.

  A: The knife penetrated the skin?

  E: It went all the way in.

  A: You saw it?

  E: With my own two eyes.

  A: Then it was an act of violence.

  E: I disagree.

  A: There was blood?

  E: Some.

  A: Screaming?

  E: Too.

  A: Distress?

  E: Certainly.

  A: Exhibited by all present?

  E: An atmosphere accrued.

  A: Elaborate, if you would.

  E: They were tired.

  A: Noticeably?

  E: Conspicuously so.

  A: Elaborate.

  E: Exhaustion impeded their view.

  A: They did view, however?

  E: They did.

  A: It attracted attention?

  E: Obviously.

  A: Disapproval?

  E: A bit.

  A: Which became verbalised?

  E: Gradually.

  A: But rapidly enough?

  E: Rapidly enough for what?

  A: To bring about intervention?

  E: There was none of that.

  A: Intolerable disinterest.

  E: They were exhausted.

  A: That is no excuse.

  E: It is not offered as such.

  A: As nothing was offered.

  E: Nothing was asked.

  A: But is now.

  E: And now, is answered.

  A: Most unsatisfactory.

  E: To whom?

  A: To me.

  E: Acting upon what authority?

  A: That of an interested party.

  E: Which interest?

  A: In the interest of clarity: that all things should be made clear.

  E: To whom?

  A: The attentive.

  E: Who are?

  A: We.

  E: The collective?

  A: Yes.

  E: The body?

  A: Indeed.

  E: Of which you represent?

  A: The ear.

  E: Not the mouth?

  A: When necessity requires.

  E: Such as now?

  A: It was an act of violence.

  E: About which no doubt may be entertained?

  A: The evidence is obvious.

  E: If disregarding my statement?

  A: Perhaps your view was obscured.

  E: I could see perfectly.

  A: You allow no margin of error?

  E: It is expected I should?

  A: Common sense dictates.

  E: Whose?

  A: Come come, there is no occurrence upon which doubt cannot be thrown.

  E: Shall not be thrown.

  A: Be that as it may.

  E: A substantial assertion.

  A: A simple fact.

  E: Inexhaustibly reliable?

  A: Empirically accurate.

  E: And of impeccable provenance?

  A: My credentials are intact.

  E: As representative of the body?

  A: I pride myself.

  E: Mouth or ear?

  A: It was an act of violence.

  E: It was not.

  A: The knife went in?

  E: To the hilt.

  A: The organs sustained damage?

  E: Anecdotally, yes.

  A: You did not intercede?
/>
  E: I did not.

  A: Offered no assistance?

  E: The difficulty was no longer mine to resolve.

  A: But a difficulty existed?

  E: Undoubtedly.

  A: Yet you remained unconcerned?

  E: My concerns were elsewhere.

  A: Not with the preservation of life?

  E: Ummm …

  A: The protection of estate?

  E: The estate of his body?

  A: All bodies are the same.

  E: I would say not.

  A: Or are not, any longer.

  E: As the case may be.

  A: As has proved the case.

  E: If it is as you say.

  A: I do.

  E: The mouth says.

  A: And nothing dissents.

  E: The ears?

  A: They cannot speak for themselves.

  E: Eyes neither.

  A: Just as you say.

  E: We have reached an impasse.

  A: But not the end.

  E: Well then, ask more.

  A: There was an act of witness?

  E: In what way?

  A: You saw.

  E: The sighted see.

  A: To what end?

  E: Needlessly.

  A: Accurately?

  E: Hopelessly.

  A: Powerlessly?

  E: Inevitably.

  A: Inevitably?

  E: In this case, yes.

  A: So, there was an act of violence?

  E: Ummm …

  A: There were scratches?

  E: Yes.

  A: Slashes?

  E: Yes.

  A: The knife penetrated skin?

  E: I do not deny it.

  A: Organs were damaged?

  E: I am led to believe.

  A: Others present exhibited alarm?

  E: They did, perhaps even distress.

  A: The victim requested assistance?

  E: Yes.

  A: Begged for mercy?

  E: True.

  A: This request was ignored?

  E: By me.

  A: The others present too?

  E: Some horror was expressed, but a deaf ear was the favoured consensus.

  A: It was an act of violence.

  E: Of joy.

  A: In the misfortune of another?

  E: I did not say schadenfreude.

  A: But it was avoidable?

  E: It may once have been.

  A: It was an act of violence.

  E: It was not an act.

  A: What then?

  E: Let’s say, an end.

  A: For the victim?

  E: Yes.

  A: For the perpetrator?

  E: That too.

  A: For all concerned?